they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
