I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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