the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
