Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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