I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
