those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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