He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
