Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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