Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
