Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you had me at cake vodka
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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