Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
