apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
