I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
