My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
