Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
