im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
