and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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