she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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