i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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