My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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