I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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