umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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