I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
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