and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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