I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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