Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
