Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
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i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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