i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
