this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
