We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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