I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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