i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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