I've blown a few things in my day
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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