I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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