I am midnight drunk by noon
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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