You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
