the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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