At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
