When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
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you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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