yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it was like eating out sand paper
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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