I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
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It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
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Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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