see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
high people should be assigned attendants
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
