I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
