I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
