When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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