ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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