Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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