dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize