Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
