My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
