I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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