My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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