I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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