I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
