That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
