Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
