I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
