I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
