So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
im holly from the hills drunk
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This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
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pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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