Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
