It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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