I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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