Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
