I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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