Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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