Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
im holly from the hills drunk
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
