I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
