I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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