when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
